You have to understand it

In order for you to appreciate the visit from my dad, you have to understand our relationship. Believe me when I say that I wish the word effortless was involved, but it's not.

My parents divorced when I was almost 9. My dad remarried quickly. In August, my dad will celebrate his 25th anniversary to my step-mother.

I was affected deeply by my parents divorce. It's made me a very, very insecure person. Insecure not only in relationships, but insecure in almost everything I do.

I'm not going to get into my childhood or teenage years, but if I had a choice to relive them, I wouldn't. Most days I don't even want to think about them, much less relive them.

Don't get me wrong, there were good times. But there were also some very bad, confusing times as well.

All I've ever wanted from my dad is acceptance. I never felt like I got it until May 10, 2002. That was the day of Nathan's birth. I was stunned beyond belief when my dad made the trip from Texas to welcome his first biological grandchild into the world. My dad was the first person to hold Natey when I came out of surgery.

It was the first time I felt like he was really proud of me.

Maybe dad was happy with me prior to that date, but that day was the first day I felt it. I really felt it.

My dad and I went 5 years without talking to each other. From 1993 until 1998. I had a ton of built up anger towards him. I had questions and I wanted answers.

Our feud started after I was in a car accident. I was on my way to take my state board test to be licensed in Cosmetology. I on my way to Pierre with 2 of my girl friends and one of the girls mom's. Outside of Redfield, we got into a head on collision. We all took a ride in the ambulance and spent a few hours in the hospital. I hurt my back pretty bad and was put on pain medication.

I called my mom to tell her about the accident, and, of coarse, she called my dad. He said some things to her that I thought were unkind and they made me angry. The next day, my dad called to see how I was doing. As I was telling him the story, I could tell that he'd gotten side tracked and was no longer listening to me. I was telling him how a semi truck came past our accident scene about 5 minutes after we wrecked. Instead of saying to my dad 'I'm sure glad that semi didn't hit us' I said "It's too bad that semi didn't hit us, right?" My dad said "it sure is".

Silence.

I was pissed. This had happened one too many times. I was done with my dad not listening to me. I said good-bye to him and that was that. A month went by. I didn't call him. He didn't call me. Another month went by. Nothing.

It became a stand off. I wasn't going to call him - and he wasn't going to call me.

My sister stayed in contact with him. She usually kept him up to date on what was going on in my life - much to my dismay.

Months of silence turned into a year.

A year turned into five.

It was painful. Very painful.

I would speak to his family from time to time and they would encourage me to 'patch things up with my dad'. 'You're kidding, right?' were always my thoughts. HE'S my dad. HE'S the adult.

Finally, in 1997, I met a man who would change my life forever. This man reminded me of my dad. He reminded me of all the good qualities that my dad had. His humor was just like my dads.

He could see my heavy heart. He knew that I wanted nothing more than for my dad to pick up that phone and to call to say he was sorry. He knew. He got it.

After another birthday came and went in silence, he said 'maybe you could just write him a letter and not send it'. I'd done it before. I'd done it a couple of times before, actually.

This time, I wrote the last address I knew of my dad, put a stamp on the envelope, and sent it. I did it - at Justin's request.

I have Justin to thank for reuniting me with my dad.

I mailed the hate filled letter to my dad. I didn't get the fight that I thought I wanted back. All I got back was a letter saying that he wasn't going to talk about the past - because it was in the past. Neither of us could change it, so why dwell on it?

Why dwell on it? By that time I'd been living it for 24 years.

Sometime after I got his letter back, I decided to be what I thought was the bigger person, and called him on the phone. When he answered, I didn't recognize his voice. I asked the man on the other phone for my dad and he said "speaking".

I cried.

He didn't know who I was either.

I told him who I was.

Needless to say, the conversation was awkward. I couldn't tell you what we talked about. It didn't matter. It was only 'the next step'. Something I do remember is at the end of the conversation, my dad said "Ker, don't go so long next time without calling me". I asked him to do the same.

Justin got home from work that night and I told him what I'd done. He wouldn't accept any credit that he deserved.

In the 5 years of silence, my dad missed a lot of my life. I missed a lot of his. I wondered who would walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I wondered if I would forgive myself if something happened to him while proving my point. Would he care if something happened to me? I wasn't sure.

On May 27, 2000, my dad walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Not only was I marrying a man that I love, I was being given to him by someone I adored.

Seeing my dad always gives me crazy feelings. Feelings I described yesterday. It usually causes me a great deal of anxiety as well. People say that absence makes the heart grown fonder. Well, I don't always think that's so.

I'm grateful to have had Justin in my life to convince me to write that letter. I'm also grateful to have my dad. He's not perfect - that's for sure. But he seems to appreciate me and the woman I've become.

Tomorrow - pictures as promised.