Tuesday night I worked a little late so I could have most of Wednesday off to go to Chad's funeral. Visitation was Tuesday night, so after I got off work I called Justin to make sure he was able to go with me. He was already at the funeral home.
I got in my vehicle which was about 3 or 4 blocks away. The second I turned to go to the funeral home, the anxiety level in my body reached an all time high. It had been hours since I last ate, yet I felt like I was going to vomit. I knew going to the visitation would be tough, but tough doesn't convey how hard it actually was.
The officers stayed with Chad's body 24 hours a day from the time they found him until they put him in the earth. When I got in the funeral home there were officers in their honor guard dress uniforms. They looked great, but it was too much for my feelings. I instantly started to cry.
I walked in the room where Chad was and I was immediately overwhelmed with sorrow. There were quite a few people in there, but my eyes were fixated on Chad's son. Even though I hadn't seen him in almost a year, it was quite obviously him because he looked just like Chad.
As we made our way to the casket, I saw some other people doing the same thing. I noticed a little girl. I turned to Justin and asked if it was Chad's daughter. He didn't know. By the time I asked the question and turned back around, there was the little girl stroking Chad's head.
It was - more than I could deal with. Not only was I getting a glimpse of Chad in a casket, but I was also seeing his little girl showing love and affection to her father.
I - lost - it.
A lady turned to me and put her hand on my shoulder. She said "Do you need a hug? You do need a hug." There I stood in a random woman's arms. I didn't know who she was, but I assumed she must have been a family member of his. She squeezed and squeezed and finally let go. It turned out that the lady was Chad's sister. What a caring woman.
It was time for the guys to switch places. It was all so Military like - and again too much for me. I stood there sobbing. Justin touched my shoulder, giving me love and support.
We went to the casket. People told me how good he looked. I know it could have been worse, but to me it didn't look like him. Thankfully it's not burned into my memory. We didn't stand there long. We walked to a hallway where Justin and I embraced. Having him there helped so much.
I needed to go home so that I could be with the kids. I drove home and wept and wept. I couldn't get the image of Chad's daughter out of my head. I closed my eyes and I could see her so lovingly stroke her fathers head. I couldn't help but wonder if she was able to understand at 7 years old that her daddy won't be coming home anymore?
It was a long exhausting night.
I had hopes of sleeping in on Wednesday, but that didn't happen. I woke up at 6:15 and couldn't go back to sleep. I knew Chad's funeral would be hard for me, but I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I'd cried so many tears and had that feeling in the pit of my stomach since Sunday morning - I just wanted to be done with it.
The funeral was hard, harder than I expected. I could hear his wife wailing in the front row. I imagined her grief and felt like I could understand it on the same level. It could have been me in her chair. It could have been my husband. The tears just kept coming.
We went to the cemetery to say our final goodbye's. Other than when they close the casket, it's my least favorite part. It makes me sad to leave them all alone out there. I know he's not there, but still.....
Chad wasn't a perfect guy buy any stretch of the imagination. He was human and he made mistakes. He was serious about his job. Sometimes too serious. I don't know all the facts about what happened the day he died - I'm not sure I ever will.
Once you have feared for someones life, you love and respect them on a whole different level. I was his dispatcher for 4 years. I was his lifeline. Even if he hadn't been my friend, the fact that I'd been responsible for his safety at one time would have resulted in the same emotion.
It's time to start the healing process. It's going to take a while. This has been all I've thought of for 3 solid days. I know I'll cope in my own time and in my own way.
Chad's funeral is a day I'll never forget. It's also a day I hope to never EVER repeat.
God bless you, Chad. I'm going to miss you.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Saying good-bye
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12 comments:
Oh, Kerrie.
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))
Driving home last night, I prayed again for Chad’s family and friends and asked God again – why? It would be painful for any law enforcement officer to loose his life – but if someone was to die in the line of duty – why did it have to be a father…a husband? I never knew Chad, but work with Jamie at the nursing home and everything I’ve heard about Chad, even before his untimely death, was positive. Jamie is always pleasant to be around and the kids are the sweetest things. Why did this happen to their family? Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer and I don’t understand God’s plan but we still have to trust that it is part of his plan. The one and only time I’ve ever seen my dad cry was when we lowered my mother’s casket into the ground and literally – the only thing that gave me strength during that time was knowing that my mom was still with my in spirit and someday, I will get to see her again. As we approach the Easter season, it’s a good reminder for us all that death is not permanent – we will be resurrected someday. For now, however, Chad’s memory will live on through his kids and his colleagues and his spirit will never die
Hugs Ker
First, Amanda - your post is beautiful. I'm glad to know that Kerrie has such great friends that can give her comfort.
Ker, your writing seems to get more and more eloquent as the years pass. Your explanation of your experience brought tears to my eyes. I know I've told you this already, but I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and I wish I was closer to give you a big 'ol hug.
Love you tons!!
Kerrie -
I feel all your pain and hurt and agony, but I have truly decided that when it is your time to go, it is your time to go! I just heard about the mom who reached back to "re-buckle" her three year old and crashed/ rolled over the little girl. The 17 year old who committed suicide in Wtn. over a girlfriend, and the actress who fell while on a beginners ski hill with an instructor no less, and died of brain trauma. Oh my! THere is just too much of it around me! Prayers to all!
shannon is right in that your writing is eloquent. especially when you are being serious...which is not all that often.
kerrie, first- i think that your reaction, your emotions, your sadness all point to two things. one that he was indeed a good man who did not need to die. and two, that you are a compassionate and loving human being.
we sat in our van and watched the unending stream of police vehicles leaving out of town for the burial. i know that my kids were asking a hundred questions, but i could barely hear them and certainly could not answer. i sat with tears rolling down my cheeks. i did not know the man.
i only know what he leaves behind. right there at the intersection, we prayed. what else can we do? we prayed for his daughter and son, and for his wife, parents and loved ones left wondering why. we have been praying often. everytime the kids ask, we stop and pray.
i will pray today, for you as well. for peace that seems shaken, for strength and for healing.
Kerrie, I pray for you, Jamie and her two children, as well as family and friends! God's Blessings and peace to you all!!
Kerrie, you have been on my mind constantly the past few days. I know you are struggling with the loss of Chad and everything that it encompasses. God is good and believing is living even if we don't understand it.
I had tears rolling down my cheek when you were talking about his daughter. It is another reminder of how tragic his loss is. Life will not be the same for anyone involved, including yourself. Time heals the soul but the heart will forever be scarred. To move forward will be a struggle and a challenge but keep your chin up and walk proud my lady, you are not alone and you can/will be a survivor.
Sending much love your way my friend. Death is something we all hurt over and struggle with. There always seems to be unanswered questions even when it's someone old who has lived a long life.
I pray that today God will show himself to you in a small and simple way to just remind you that He is there and will see you through.
Amanda words were right on!
Oh, Kerrie, I can feel your pain. Even though I lived in Madison for 4 years, I didn't know Chad but yet you brought me to tears...
Such a tragedy...
Thinking of you sweetie. Remember I'm always an email away.
"The funeral was hard, harder than I expected. I could hear his wife wailing in the front row. I imagined her grief and felt like I could understand it on the same level. It could have been me in her chair. It could have been my husband..."
During my reflection time (commuting)I think the same way. Everyday this week I have cried on my way to school and my way home thinking about Jamie and the kids, Heath, Braelyn, and I.
I'm always here for you if you ever need to talk! ~hugs~
I have tagged you as one of my favorite bloggers. Tag 8 of your faves.
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