Reminder of guilt

My Great Aunt passed away last Wednesday. Her name was Ann, but I called her Aunt B. I wasn't all that close to her, but she was, after all, my Great Aunt. I hadn't talked to her in 4 years. I always made sure to send her a Christmas card with pictures of the kids, but I never felt compelled to stop over at her apartment when I was in town. It's a decision I now regret.

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After my Grandmother died in October of 2001, I swore I'd never let this happen to me again. I hadn't talked to her in years either. When she died I was filled with sorrow, anger, guilt and regret. How could I have let this happen? I did it to myself and I was angry. I was pregnant with Nathan and I was excited to hear her reaction. I never got it. She died before I called her.

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I stood there looking at Aunt B in her casket. She looked very nice. She was wearing a pretty red dress holding a red rose. I couldn't get past the fact that she didn't look like she did 4 years ago. How did I let this happen again? Why didn't I just stop over to say hello? A few minutes out of my day probably would have brightened hers. I know one shouldn't do this to themselves, but I couldn't help it.

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Her casket was very pretty. I think she would have approved of it. It was light pink, not gaudy - pretty. It had pictures of pink roses around the front of it here and there. I don't think she would have picked anything else out had it been left up to her. She was a unique individual with a sharp tongue. She once told me that she didn't think I'd ever make much of myself, but she was sure glad that I had. She was that kind of woman.

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I stood at her casket with my mother and step father. Tears were streaming down our faces. I can't speak as to what they were thinking, but the thought that came to my mind was the fact that my only living grandparents are of the age of Aunt B. She was, after all, my grandmothers sister. I stood there thinking that the only time I communicate with my grandparents is either through e-mail or a card in the mail. What was my hang-up? Why didn't I call them on the phone and speak with them. I know they'd love to hear from me. I couldn't bear to go though the guilt again.

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After the fineral and burial there was a lunch at the apartment building in which Aunt B lived. After lunch, Shannon and I went to Aunt B's apartment and looked through some old photo's. We found this one of my Grandfather. Isn't he handsome? I love this picture. I believe this picture was taken in 1942. No wonder my grandmother snatched him up. He's adorable!

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On my way home from the funeral I decided that I wasn't going to let this happen to me again - this guilt. After supper I called my grandparents. It was great to talk to them. I explained the reason for my call and told them that there would be many more to come. They were happy to hear it. When they pass it will be hard. I can't even let myself imagine it, actually. At least when they do I won't have the guilt that's plagued me in the past.

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Don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them. You'll both feel better for it.