Hurt feelings and an agreement

I hurt Nathan's feelings the other day and I still feel horrible about it. He's gotten over it but I can't seem to. Nathan has been very mouthy and just flat out annoying for a few weeks now. I'm sure it has everything to do with Jack and the fact that he (Nathan) and I haven't spent much time apart, but never the less, he's been a pain. I was on the phone with my mom and he was driving me crazy. I don't even remember what he was doing, but I told my mom something along the lines of '4 years old isn't my favorite age'. What I was saying was that this hasn't been my favorite age/stage that Nathan has been at. What Nathan heard me say was 'I don't like you'. He got these HUGE tears in his eyes, put his hands on his hips, looked me straight in the eye, and said "Well....I'm not going to be your kid anymore then". Oh yeah, he totally let me have it! It was horrible. It wasn't even worth me trying to explain what I was trying to say because I didn't think I could make it make sense to him. All I could do was apologize to him over and over which I did. I kept hugging him and kissing him trying to whisk away those therapy bills I knew I'd just wracked up. It was horrible!

I have a way of doing that kind of thing to people though. I've said it on here before and I know it's no secret. My brain will try like hell to tell my mouth to stay shut, but unfortunately, nine times out of ten, my mouth wins and I end up hurting someones feelings. I really don't mean to hurt peoples feelings, but it does happen sometimes. Like I said, he's over it - I'm just not.

On to 'the agreement'. I've come to realize that I'm not Super Mom and I do need help. Since Jack was born, I've pretty much been his sole provider. Well, I can't do that anymore and Justin has agreed to come to my rescue. Don't get me wrong, all I would have done is ask and at any time Justin would have been willing to help out, I just didn't ask. Now I've asked and this is what we'll be doing: Justin stays up later than I do each night. He doesn't seem to require as much sleep as I do. I've never understood that about him, but it's true. Anyway, he'll stay up with Jack and give him a bottle around 1am and then I'll get up with Jack any time after that. I usually go to bed about 10 and get 6-7 hours of sleep which is WONDERFUL. It's an agreement that we both can live with.

Last night Nathan went to a birthday party at the Community Center. They went swimming and he had fun. I did feel a little bad for him and I pray that I didn't pass this on to him, but as we were pulling up to the Community Center Nathan told me that he was nervous. I told him that there was nothing to be nervous about and that swimming was going to be a lot of fun. I didn't plan to leave him there, but he wanted to make sure that I planned on staying and watching him. I get nervous in crowds and in places where I convince myself that people might be looking at me and I hope that I haven't passed that on to him. I try like hell to be strong and not let him see me get nervous in such settings. I hope for him that he grows out of it. Anyway, he had fun. Tonight he and Justin are going to the basketball game. Nathan can hardy wait!